The Journal
by CaptKJaneway peadom
Summary: The doctor assigns Kathryn a journal to help deal with the lack of an official counselor on board. What secrets are hidden behind the Captains Mask? WIP Rating May change later. Eventual J/C pairing
1. An Assignment

Anti Litigation Protocols: I don't own 'em. All recognizable characters belong to the respective creators. I am just playing in the universe. No profit was made from this except my own enjoyment.

Chapter 1: An Assignment

"Captain, I must insist that you find someone to get rid of this stress you are carrying." The doctor's voice filled the room, disapproval ringing in every note.

"What exactly do you want me to do _Doctor_?" the sarcasm was thick on his title. "I already see you twice a week for these 'stress massages' that you insist on. I have attempted to reduce the amount of caffeine that I intake daily. I attend the mandatory holodeck time at least once every six days. You have the entire Senior staff convinced that I am one shock away from cardiac arrest. What more do you want me to do?" Kathryn Janeway bit each word off, praying that the scheduled hour long session was close to being over.

Every three days she was scheduled by order of the CMO to attend some sort of stress relief activity. The doctor was under the impression that she worked too hard.

_Yeah as if that isn't the most obvious diagnosis in the entire quadrant._

And to make matters worse, the cretin had managed to get every single member of the senior staff on board with at least one of his hair brained methods. She could not walk down the hall without one of her 'friends' showing up to make sure she wasn't over doing it.

Her attention was brought back to the hologram standing beside her as he began tapping his fingers on the console cover in front of them. She jumped visibly when the doctor suddenly jumped to face her, snapping his fingers in front of her.

"I've got it."

_Sweet Stars, if he were a puppy his tail would be wagging._ She thought irritably to herself. Taking a deep breath she prepared herself for the next round of 'Torture the Captain', starring The Doctor.

"You've got what, Doctor?"

"Well, Captain, since this ship does not have a counsellor with the questionable exemption of Mr Neelix, you could write a journal."

Kathryn paused, brows furrowed as she tried to make sense of what the doctor was suggesting.

"Doctor, try that again in basic English because I am not sure I heard you correctly."

"I said, you could write a journal Captain. You know a private book that contains whatever happens to come to mind. Problems, interests, random things that…."

Kathryn held up her left hand to cut him off before he got into full lecture mode.

"I know what a journal is Doctor. I already record logs daily and sometimes several times daily. What exactly is different about this?"

The doctor looked crest fallen for a moment before the sparkle popped back into his eyes.

"The act of writing it out, seeing the words actually formed on the paper before you rather than a projected recording of the thoughts can be more therapeutic. It is more than just giving voice to your thoughts. It is allowing your inner thoughts to take over for a few moments. Thoughts that will not be reviewed by a superior officer or panel of officers. A page by page personal memory bank where you can be honest with yourself since no one else would see it. It has been found that some people can write things down that they would never have been able to say aloud. There was a study once done on Earth in 2254…"

Kathryn's eyes began to glaze over as the doctor went into one of his many 'expertise' monologues.

_Dear God how can a hologram like the sound of his own voice so much?_

"Doctor." She tried to get his attention, failing miserably. Trying again, she took a breath and barked out his name in her best command voice.

"DOCTOR!"

This pulled the man from his recitation and stopped all movement on his part.

"Yes Captain?"

"Are you making this an order?" She asked defeatedly, knowing that the doctor could make her life even more miserable than he already was. Judging from the look in the holographic eyes, he knew it too.

"Do I need to ma'am?" his voice was smug, moving to the replicator and pressing the buttons to issue his request, knowing he had won.

Kathryn sighed deeply, wishing once again that they had never tampered with the original programming that made up the ship's physician.

"What exactly do I need to do Doctor?"

The doctor returned to her side handing over the bound paper and pen he had just ordered.

"You simply have to take a few minutes each day to write. It can be in the morning, afternoon, evening. It doesn't matter."

Kathryn looked at the offered items, debating on whether to accept them or not.

"They won't bite Captain."

She reached out and took the materials carefully, as if they would explode.

_They just might do that. _She thought irritably

"How long do I have to do this?"

"We will try for two weeks and see how effective it is."

She turned all possible outcomes over in her mind and decided that it just was not worth arguing with him over. A thought then occurred to her.

"If I am writing all my personal innermost thoughts in this…" She let the question trail off openly.

The doctor huffed out a breath and shook his head at her.

"Captain, while doctor/patient confidentiality would apply here, I will give you the courtesy of not reading what you write. I will simply ask to glance at the book and make sure that you are actually making entries, nothing prolonged and I will not read the actual entries. Your secrets will remain yours. Does that make this easier?"

Kathryn nodded her head.

"Fine Doctor. I will write in this journal at least once a day for the next two weeks."

She turned to walk out of Sick Bay. She was almost to the door when the doctor called to her.

"And Captain, please don't make that book into a hand written officers log. Personal ONLY!"

She waved her hand dismissively, striding through the sliding doors to the turbo lift. Looking down at the book in her hand, she shook her head.

_I don't think this was covered in command school._


	2. First Entry

Anti Litigation Protocol: See Chapter 1

**Dear Diary,**

**Journal Log 1**

**Today's Thoughts**

**Kathryn, **

**Dear Captain,**

**Hello Reader**

**The doctor sucks!**

Kathryn stared down at the lines she had written on the first page of the journal the doctor had given to her.

_Great, how am I supposed to do this when I can't even figure out how to start?_

Her head fell back on the couch.

_I thought this was supposed to relieve stress, instead it has given me more!_

Frustration welled up in her as she tried to make sense of this new assignment. She thought of what the doctor said about being able to write down things that she would never be able to say aloud. These words turned themselves over and over in her head. Pulling the journal back into her lap, she began writing.

**Day 1:**

**This is supposed to be a collection of my innermost thoughts; so here we go. First, I HATE the Delta Quadrant. This god forsaken hell hole has taken more from me in the years that we have been here than any other experience in my entire life time. Considering I am now in my early forties, and have spent over half of that in Starfleet, that is saying a lot. All these aliens who seem to think that I am just going to roll over because they tell me to. And the ones that want our technology, who do they think they are? I mean, really, you get more flies with honey than vinegar! Even though I wouldn't give them the technology etc because of Starfleet protocols, would it kill them to try saying please once in a while?**

**For nine years we have been trying to just get home and all these guys want to do is compare their packages and prove that they are more manly then the previous alien. And my crew and I are stuck in the middle of it. Borg, Hirogen, Kazon all of them are stuck in this damn 'mine is bigger than yours' competition and they expect us to pick sides. Then you add that damnable Q to the mix and there are days when I just want to phaser myself!**

**Then there is the crew. While I am dedicated to each and every one of them, there are days when I feel like I am running a daycare center. If I'm not on the bridge arguing with some random alien, I am in one area or another of the ship playing referee between crew members. Just today, we had to stop a fist fight in the mess hall and I had to keep our chief engineer from decompiling the doctor for suggesting that she take some time off from work. I mean the woman is eight and half months pregnant with twins. You would think she would like some time off. But now that stubborn petaq doesn't trust anyone else with her precious engines. You would think that the rest of us have never seen a warp drive before the way she acts. **

**I just want to be able to close my eyes for a couple days and pretend that I am not stuck in this god forsaken hell hole on this death trap of a ship with a bunch of toddlers in uniform!**

Kathryn sat back and read over what she had written. She winced at a few of the statements but did have to admit that she felt a little better. Maybe there was something to this journal thing after all. The doctor was right, she never would have been able to vocalize some of these sentiments in a log.

Sighing, she reached for her cup of coffee. As long as the entries weren't actually read by anyone, she could vent and not have the expectations of command get in the way. She would be able to be as petty or selfish as she liked.

Yes maybe this journal would be a good thing after all.

A/N: Some of these chapters are going to be short as we get peeks into Kathryn's mind. Please bear with me.


End file.
